The last seven years have been… interesting, to say the least. What I maybe miss the most about seven years ago was having so much figured out. Today, I feel like I don’t know anything.
Let’s take stock of where I am. (This should be fun.)* I am at least 38 pounds overweight. I don’t know how it all shakes out if you gain muscle (as everyone on the internet knows we should do). But even with a lot of muscle packed on, I should still be about that much lower in weight. My diet is… good? bad? okay? Depends on which metric you use.
In the last week, I have been limited in activity due to neck/shoulder pain, left knee pain, right knee pain, right foot pain, back pain, and right hip pain. Yes, I’m in my mid-40’s, but that’s not right!
I can’t get off the floor without using my hands. If I lift my 3 year old with any sort of odd angle (and 3 year olds are always making angles odd!), I hurt something. I’ve also been limited in activity due to lack of energy.
If you get super picky about my metabolic markers, they’re looking wonky. If you go by what the doctor’s office typically looks at, I am neither diabetic nor pre-diabetic. In fact, I’m “healthy” according to lack of diagnosable issues.
I don’t feel healthy. I am not strong enough to do basic lifting and carrying around my house and with my young child. I am not confident to try a lot of things for fear of aggravating any one of my myriad of pain areas. I’m also not confident about who I am, about what I want, or my ability to do life because I’m kind of failing all around. Plus, I am really not comfortable in my body. Yes, a lot of that is being a size I don’t enjoy, but it also has to do with not being able to move through space easily or do normal activities.
I am not capable to do life in the ways I would like. It’s health, it’s doing life, keeping the house cleaned the way I want, doing the things in life that light me up. It’s all of it.
In the last year or two, the constant onslaught of one health issue or another has slowed down, but as I gradually work on getting to a better place, I keep running into pain, or energy deficits, or all my hard work just leads to MORE fat gain (yes, I’ve checked; the increased weight was mostly or all fat, NOT muscle).
Despite my knowledge from 15 years as a physical therapist, plus plenty of other reading and study, here I am.
Where I would like to be is strong, capable, and confident. There is currently quite a gap between where I am and where I would like to be. I no longer feel that I know anything or I wouldn’t be where I am. But I do know there is a place where people can be strong, confident, and capable. I’ve been there. It exists and it’s awesome. I also know lots of people who have been there after being where I am now, so I know it’s not a place that lost to me just because I’m 7-8 years older than I was.
So, I’m going to work here to take one small step at a time to figure out what works for me at this time in my life.
*Sarcasm.
